Implosion
The Crush (1)
The Crush (2)
The Crush (3)
Good Advice
The Woolies
Clare Carver
Encourage Saint X
Disparage Saint X
D A T E L I N E U P D A T E : Good Advice
Thursday, July 12
Query from Saint X to Dr. Butthead - 8:35 a.m.
Dear Doc,
I've been trading e-mails with a really interesting woman for the past couple weeks, and last night we had an EXCELLENT phonecall. She's writing a screenplay, likes artistic guys, spent time in Boston (I was smooth enough to call her cool at the start of my first message because she referred to Somerville as "Slumerville" - and we were off . . .) Fear not, Rule #1 is still in effect.
I dropped the suggestion that we go see a show on Saturday by an artist I found at Open Studios last year. The same one, ironically, who did that colorful painting of a mustard field Goo has hanging in her dining room. I need your advice, however, because it also happens to be a silent auction, and, based on your astonishing success at that little fundraiser ERL made us haul our asses up to in Maine, I was wondering how I could best go about impressing her. Furthermore, should I go for the 4- or 6-goblet set if I find some really ugly, non-functional ceramic item?
Giving you shit since the early '90s,
-- Saint X
* * * * *
Dr. Butthead Responds - 9:09 a.m.
Advice to a Struggling Bidder:
1. If possible, make sure the woman you're trying to impress is strictly unattainable. This could take many forms, including marriage, engagement, lesbianhood, or the simple inability to conceive of you as an attractive, tenable mate appropriate for pair bonding.
2. Bid and, if possible, spend as much as you can. Ideally, you'll exceed not only sensible financial limits but your own limited resources. You want to communicate in no uncertain terms that you're desperate, financially constrained, and free of common sense.
3. Direct your efforts toward the most reprehensible object in the auction. If possible, identify something no one else is bidding on. Best case scenario: it's something not even in the auction. In all cases, make sure the object has neither intrinsic nor aesthetic value.
4. If you secure a winning bid (which is likely, given numbers 2 and 3 above), and this registers with the target woman, proceed immediately to dispel any positive attributions she might make to you. Hold the object up to her and say in a clear tone: "Syrup preat farfou cottage up jaundice." Be sure that she knows you know English, but are simply not speaking it because you've lost your faculties. If this fails, commence vommiting on the woman as soon as possible.
Your role model,
-- Dr. B
* * * * *
Next: Art vs. Dance
Query from Saint X to Dr. Butthead - 8:35 a.m.
Dear Doc,
I've been trading e-mails with a really interesting woman for the past couple weeks, and last night we had an EXCELLENT phonecall. She's writing a screenplay, likes artistic guys, spent time in Boston (I was smooth enough to call her cool at the start of my first message because she referred to Somerville as "Slumerville" - and we were off . . .) Fear not, Rule #1 is still in effect.
I dropped the suggestion that we go see a show on Saturday by an artist I found at Open Studios last year. The same one, ironically, who did that colorful painting of a mustard field Goo has hanging in her dining room. I need your advice, however, because it also happens to be a silent auction, and, based on your astonishing success at that little fundraiser ERL made us haul our asses up to in Maine, I was wondering how I could best go about impressing her. Furthermore, should I go for the 4- or 6-goblet set if I find some really ugly, non-functional ceramic item?
Giving you shit since the early '90s,
-- Saint X
Dr. Butthead Responds - 9:09 a.m.
Advice to a Struggling Bidder:
1. If possible, make sure the woman you're trying to impress is strictly unattainable. This could take many forms, including marriage, engagement, lesbianhood, or the simple inability to conceive of you as an attractive, tenable mate appropriate for pair bonding.
2. Bid and, if possible, spend as much as you can. Ideally, you'll exceed not only sensible financial limits but your own limited resources. You want to communicate in no uncertain terms that you're desperate, financially constrained, and free of common sense.
3. Direct your efforts toward the most reprehensible object in the auction. If possible, identify something no one else is bidding on. Best case scenario: it's something not even in the auction. In all cases, make sure the object has neither intrinsic nor aesthetic value.
4. If you secure a winning bid (which is likely, given numbers 2 and 3 above), and this registers with the target woman, proceed immediately to dispel any positive attributions she might make to you. Hold the object up to her and say in a clear tone: "Syrup preat farfou cottage up jaundice." Be sure that she knows you know English, but are simply not speaking it because you've lost your faculties. If this fails, commence vommiting on the woman as soon as possible.
Your role model,
-- Dr. B
Next: Art vs. Dance